Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
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Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
*cough*
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?