Yes, I’ve been in love before.

I’ve also had salmonella poisoning and you don’t see me running back for seconds.

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8yo: You’re annoying me!

10yo: No, you’re annoying me!

Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.


Oh, you’re an early riser?
Have kids?
A farm?
Medical condition?


If i was going to rob someone I’d wear a fanny pack, jorts, and crocs. Nobody would believe them.


HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.


My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.

We just got it set up.

I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.


[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt


What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?


Walmart has strategically placed the cold sore meds in the mistletoe aisle.