Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
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Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Good morning.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
That’s enough internet for the day
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
There is no “we” in pizza
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.