Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
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So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?