Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
You Might Also Like
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
“I’m helping” 😅
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
are they though??
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
my first day as a raccoon
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS