Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
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my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
A small tragedy.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.