@djdarrellripley
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
@PandAmonnia
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
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@djdarrellripley
@ComedicBust
ME: What’d you want for dinner?
MY GOTHIC GF: I pray that the lord of darkness will claim my body & soul before sunset.
ME: Chinese it is.
@BatBatshitcrazy
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
@Carbosly
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
@envydatropic
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
@djabish3k
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
@JB4Realz
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
@TheMichaelRock
[inventor of black licorice]
What if you could eat a tire?
@TheBoydP
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
@captainkalvis
Her: i think taking care of your teeth is super important.
Me: *nodding* i like having teeth because then i can always taste my skeleton.