“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
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“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Just so funny
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*