Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
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My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
me: son, you’re adopted
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
“Kanye bless you.”
“Kanye damn it!”
“One nation, under Kanye.”
“Thank Kanye Almighty!”
“The Kanyefather, Part II”
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you kinda sorta wanna know.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
If a judge loves the sound of his own voice, then expect a long sentence.