Yes my dude
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I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
*looks at you in batman voice*
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…