My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
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Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
“Steve, Steve, mate, I’ve gone blind, where are you? Seen any bread yet?”
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
I am wearing a jacket, because my mom felt cold.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.