Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
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when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
🤣✨#caturday
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.