Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
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Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
🤣🤣🤣
The second world war should have been called world war returns
😂😂
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
pat pat
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome