@mattytalks

Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please

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@jergarl

ALL OF THE ANIMALS ARE TALKING THIS IS THE BEST ACID EVER LOL

-Dr. Dolittle

@TheToddWilliams

A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.

@GrillinChillin9

Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.

@Sailsman777

You guys know I’m not one to brag, but my cooking is “to die from.”

@Lhlodder

My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!

@Pmerrily

Stole a cart from this woman at Walmart today. I like to think of it as playing grand theft auto suburbs edition.

@TrainedHedonist

Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.

@roxiqt

ALIEN: Take me to your leader

ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader

@ItMightBeJim

Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.

Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.

@Manglewood

I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.