Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please

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I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.


It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.


right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson


Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.

One killed the padawans.

The other was abandoned in the desert

I’m dreading that class reunion.


Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*


I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.



Trojan should be sponsoring Teen Mom. That show is the best advertisement for why you should always wear condoms.


5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.

Me: You weren’t born yet then.

5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.

Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.


[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.