ALL OF THE ANIMALS ARE TALKING THIS IS THE BEST ACID EVER LOL
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
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A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
You guys know I’m not one to brag, but my cooking is “to die from.”
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Stole a cart from this woman at Walmart today. I like to think of it as playing grand theft auto suburbs edition.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.
Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.