@mattytalks

Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please

You Might Also Like

@TheBoydP

I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.

@TheAlexNevil

It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.

@Seinfeld2000

right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson

@VeryLonelyLuke

Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.

One killed the padawans.

The other was abandoned in the desert

I’m dreading that class reunion.

@joshandbeyond

Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*

@TheDjinnTrials

I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.

-Herpes

@NakedHangover

Trojan should be sponsoring Teen Mom. That show is the best advertisement for why you should always wear condoms.

@momsense_ensues

5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.

Me: You weren’t born yet then.

5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.

Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.

@GeorgiaSweet20

[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.