Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
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[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Spider-cat: No One Home
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off