Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
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Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*