Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
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They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
he chose this
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark