He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
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*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.