@lazy_joe_

“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS

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@Gupton68

Judge: How do you plead?

Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—

J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney

M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!

@skittle624

My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.

@de2theJay

If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.

@edfoxcomedy

“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers

@HenpeckedHal

Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.

@aedison

DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.

@8rustystaples

This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.