*Takes kids for sushi before seeing “Finding Dory”*
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
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Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm