“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
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I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
Never ghost your hitman.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty