“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
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[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?