@JohnLyonTweets

“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches

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@david8hughes

[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”

@WheelTod

My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.

@Parentpains

According to the police report, waking up in your lover’s arms is only romantic when they know how you got in their house.

@JohnLyonTweets

[watching TV on couch]

Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.

Her: …

Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?

Her: …

Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?

Pile of blankets: …

@Whatevah_Amy

The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.

@StellaRtwot

I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.

@andlikelaura

got a brief look into where nevada ballots are being counted and it’s just a bunch of sleeping cats

@mjkspeaks

[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex

@david8hughes

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

@TheGayFlash

The Pink Panther’s To Do list:
– To do
– To do
– To do, to do, to do, to do, to doooo