“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“So how many legs did he have?”
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
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My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
According to the police report, waking up in your lover’s arms is only romantic when they know how you got in their house.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
got a brief look into where nevada ballots are being counted and it’s just a bunch of sleeping cats
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
The Pink Panther’s To Do list:
– To do
– To do
– To do, to do, to do, to do, to doooo