My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
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[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.