If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
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HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.