I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
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Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.