Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
You Might Also Like
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
cause of death:
autopsy.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist