Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
You Might Also Like
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh