Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.

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I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.


Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.


Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing

Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it


When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.


If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.


People that say “God never gives you more than you can handle” never met my ex-girlfriend.


Tattooes turn an average man into a man to look twice at. If i see ink i know he can handle pain….and that works for me, cause I’m a pain.