Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
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Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
That time Alicia messaged me
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
United Steaks of America
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am