@IamJackBoot

Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.

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@alexapelagio

Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls ????

@dyldonot

[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows

@TheBoydP

Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.

@Parkerlawyer

My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”

@Brampersandon_

A new study finds that chicken isn’t as healthy for you as once thought. “Just don’t ask to see our data” clucked one feathered researcher.

@E_lok44

You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.

@EugeneMirman

I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.

@ninatreemonkey

Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich

@Elizasoul80

When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.