Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
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Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together