Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls ????
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
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me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
me: shit she knows
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
A new study finds that chicken isn’t as healthy for you as once thought. “Just don’t ask to see our data” clucked one feathered researcher.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Hash browns not tags.