Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
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GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”