Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.

5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-

Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.

5:

Me:

5: How much blood?

“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”

– Cat game shows

I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.

Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.

I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.

I’ll have enough candy left for trick or treaters tonight… if there are only 8 of them.

And they come in the next 15 minutes.

Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad

Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!

Don’t you hate when you come in from practicing your lightsaber skills in the outhouse and your wife says ‘Oh look, it’s the return of the Shedi’ and then your kids cry laugh for forty minutes.

Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.

[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]

ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath

JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back

R: we’re turtles, Juliet

Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.

Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.

“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”

I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything

Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?

“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye

Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another

My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.

I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.

Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.

Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.

My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.

My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.

instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..

People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻‍♀️ 🍩

*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives

If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.