Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
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when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.