[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
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Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
I’m not saying I’m antisocial, but even when someone asks me how I’m doing I just tell them to Google it.
Her: I like your hair. Did you get it cut?
Me: I washed it
Her: but it looks really different
Me: yeah I used water this time
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?