Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@JediGigi

[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.

@papasuncle

Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.

@ThisOneSayz

Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.

@Sarcasticsapien

I’m not saying I’m antisocial, but even when someone asks me how I’m doing I just tell them to Google it.

@david8hughes

Her: I like your hair. Did you get it cut?
Me: I washed it
Her: but it looks really different
Me: yeah I used water this time

@NamestartswithZ

*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all

*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few

@jakefromstfarm3

If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.

@BoogTweets

All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive

All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us

@KentWGraham

COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.

ME: Hammocking is better than both.

@KalvinMacleod

ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?