You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
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“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Once when I had a broken toe, my mom told me to walk it off. When Princess Di died, she sobbed for a day.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Dispatch: 5th one today
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
The difference between cars and whales is that whales can swim and cars can’t.