@GrowlyGrego

Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.

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@GreenishDuck

You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”

@TheTweetOfGod

“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.

@DilemmaEmmaEmma

Once when I had a broken toe, my mom told me to walk it off. When Princess Di died, she sobbed for a day.

@pro_worrier_

Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency

Me: I’m being held prisoner

Dispatch: Do they have weapons?

Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords

Dispatch: Umm ok

Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks

Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children

Me: …….Maybe.

Dispatch: 5th one today

@Julie_McGann1

I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.

@Lazer_Cat_

*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*

@Darlainky

Loan officer: What’s your social?

Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.

@FullMetalMommy

My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.

@murrman5

*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?

@TheWhaleFacts

The difference between cars and whales is that whales can swim and cars can’t.