yesterday a man corrected my pronunciation of my name

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Conversations with my pets:

Me: Please could you
Me: I haven’t said what it

Me: Please could you
Cat: No.


The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.


I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.


why would old man skeletor wait until the 3rd period of the final game to introduce new uniforms to the team you’re a stupid old man


please stop calling that oatmeal raisin thing a cookie. it’s a round granola bar.


Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is


In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.


I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.


“I’ll be black” the potato dramatically announced moments before going into Sarah Connor’s freezer

-The Termintator