yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
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Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
unbelievably distressed by this ad
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.