yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
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An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free