yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
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[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.