Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
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Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted