@mommajessiec

Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.

Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.

You Might Also Like

@flashember

[DOG COP TV DRAMA]

DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!

SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.

@coIIegestudentz

College parties are great: You’re taking shots with future doctors and the next Supreme Court judge is throwing up in the bathroom.

@protolalia

Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?

@DomesticGoddss

Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[at church]

ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft

HER: omg put your pants back on

@XennDad

Church: time to come back

Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK

Church: not you

@AndrewNadeau0

Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.

@stuckinaportal

*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*

WE ARET HROUGH

maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*

ROUGH WEATHER

whoa better pack an umbrella