Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
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12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.