[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
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College parties are great: You’re taking shots with future doctors and the next Supreme Court judge is throwing up in the bathroom.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
whoa better pack an umbrella
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving