I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Yesterday I bought a ribeye.
Today I cooked it with mushrooms and onions and ate it before my kids got home.
I don’t even feel bad about it.
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PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
I’d watch Pimp My Ride: One Year Later, a show about people coming to terms with maintaining a fish tank and waffle-maker in a Ford Fiesta.
What a website
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
A disturbed lecturer
[at movie theatre]
Me (whispers): …it