@SaltyCorpse

Yesterday I bought a ribeye.

Today I cooked it with mushrooms and onions and ate it before my kids got home.

I don’t even feel bad about it.

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@WheelTod

I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.

@ryanqnorth

PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?

*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*

@donni

My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.

@JoeBerkowitz

I’d watch Pimp My Ride: One Year Later, a show about people coming to terms with maintaining a fish tank and waffle-maker in a Ford Fiesta.

@JimmerThatisAll

People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.

@causticbob

I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.

@jqfonseca

Dear student,

When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.

Yours,

A disturbed lecturer

@squirrel74wkgn

[at movie theatre]

Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it