Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
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“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.