A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
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After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
and now we wait
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder