I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
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*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.