@TheSchnizzy

Yesterday I extinguished a colleague’s cigarette at the office with a water pistol.

Adds firefighter to resume

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@Tmoney68

I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.

*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*

@EndhooS

[See’s a guy playing bagpipes]
Son: Why’s that man wearing a skirt?
Me: I think the real question is why is he sucking that musical octopus?

@slimmy_shady

Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.

@AndLookPretty

I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)

@Dutch_50

I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.

@Kryzazy

Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack

@lilgapeach30

Unless life also hands you sugar and water, your lemonade is gonna suck.

@Aspersioncast

Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?

@Mr_Kapowski

7 y/o daughter: Dad, do trees poop?
Me: Of course!
7 y/o: Really?
Me: Why do you think they call them “Number 2” pencils?