Yesterday I extinguished a colleague’s cigarette at the office with a water pistol.

Adds firefighter to resume

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I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.

*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*


[See’s a guy playing bagpipes]
Son: Why’s that man wearing a skirt?
Me: I think the real question is why is he sucking that musical octopus?


Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.


I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)


I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.


Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack


Unless life also hands you sugar and water, your lemonade is gonna suck.


Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?


7 y/o daughter: Dad, do trees poop?
Me: Of course!
7 y/o: Really?
Me: Why do you think they call them “Number 2” pencils?