@TheSchnizzy

Yesterday I extinguished a colleague’s cigarette at the office with a water pistol.

Adds firefighter to resume

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@joelu72

[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card

@RunOldMan

My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.

@AmishPornStar1

Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,

Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”

Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.

@Adyaces

No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.

@Crunk_Jews

[blind date]

Her: I was so scared you’d be a weirdo

Me [revving chainsaw]: I CANT HEAR YOU

@SamGrittner

I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.

@rolldiggity

Even scarier than seeing a shark fin in the water is seeing a lion mane, because you know the chase isn’t over once you reach land.