ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Yesterday I extinguished a colleague’s cigarette at the office with a water pistol.
Adds firefighter to resume
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My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Her: I was so scared you’d be a weirdo
Me [revving chainsaw]: I CANT HEAR YOU
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Before paying a psychic, test them with a surprise punch
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Even scarier than seeing a shark fin in the water is seeing a lion mane, because you know the chase isn’t over once you reach land.