If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
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Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
hackers play passwordle
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
sistine chapel
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
Plumber: I think I found the problem
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.