yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
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Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Me as a therapist: omg same
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!