Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.

You Might Also Like


Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.


Not to brag, but all 6 of my previous therapists are having successful careers in different fields now


Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?


So, are you a sub? *he looks into my eyes*

What do you mean, like a sandwich?


I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.


*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
oh its a thesaurus


Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.

Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.

H: …


I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.


my goth girlfriend says she likes me for who i am on the inside (a skeleton)


Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people