@juicymorsel

Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.

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@AndrewNadeau0

Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.

@Sean_Burgundy_

Not to brag, but all 6 of my previous therapists are having successful careers in different fields now

@stevevsninjas

Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?

@pinupteacher

So, are you a sub? *he looks into my eyes*

What do you mean, like a sandwich?

@KentWGraham

I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.

@jonnysun

*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus

@joeldanger

Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.

Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.

H: …

@OnlyFastEddie

I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.

@hippieswordfish

my goth girlfriend says she likes me for who i am on the inside (a skeleton)

@dumbbeezie

Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people