Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
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Not to brag, but all 6 of my previous therapists are having successful careers in different fields now
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
So, are you a sub? *he looks into my eyes*
What do you mean, like a sandwich?
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
oh its a thesaurus
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
my goth girlfriend says she likes me for who i am on the inside (a skeleton)
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people