[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
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recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
This raises questions
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.