Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
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Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”