yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
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DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Don’t snitch tag.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.