WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
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At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
[Me and a friend have movie night, order pizza and do some acid]
Me: “Hell yeah”
Friend: “Hell yeah”
Pizza: “Oh hell yeah”
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
me: I hate boxes and how they hold food so well! almost TOO good!
inventor of cornucopia: sir, do i have something to show you
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.