Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
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HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never