@samalmightysam

Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.

Fight for your dreams.

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@ArfMeasures

WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic

THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?

ME: No. It should be fewer arguments

@Merman_Melville

At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die

@neiltyson

If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.

@midnitesoc

“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”

@BrakSucks

[Me and a friend have movie night, order pizza and do some acid]

Me: “Hell yeah”
Friend: “Hell yeah”

Pizza: “Oh hell yeah”

@AndyAsAdjective

*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*

“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”

@MissyMooMorris

One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm

@Karate_Horse

me: I hate boxes and how they hold food so well! almost TOO good!
inventor of cornucopia: sir, do i have something to show you

@NotZaphod

Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.

Men: Same.