@samalmightysam

Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.

Fight for your dreams.

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@SardonicTart

I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.

@houffy

Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.

@ItalianBratikus

My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.

@pittdave13

Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”

@AaronBurdette

With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.

@Moi_RaRa

I like long walks while holding hands.. which always seems a little awkward with strangers on the beach.

@TheAlexNevil

“WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING TO ME RIGHT NOW?”

-the first person to drink coffee

@Robinbuble

I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.