Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
You Might Also Like
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids