yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
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[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case