Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
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My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE