Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
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Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.
You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
Me: lay down
Me: arms above your head
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Ancient Man: Out of water. Let’s walk 10,000 miles to a fresh continent.
Modern Man: Fridge is empty. Guess I’ll just die in my kitchen.
Don’t cut yourselves ’cause Justin smokes pot, Beliebers. Cut yourselves ’cause you listen to Justin Bieber. (And aim for a major artery.)
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.