Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
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[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth