Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.

Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.

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Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.


Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man


Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.

You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.

Me: Don’t question my art.


Me: lay down
Me: arms above your head
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*


Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”


A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.


Ancient Man: Out of water. Let’s walk 10,000 miles to a fresh continent.

Modern Man: Fridge is empty. Guess I’ll just die in my kitchen.


Don’t cut yourselves ’cause Justin smokes pot, Beliebers. Cut yourselves ’cause you listen to Justin Bieber. (And aim for a major artery.)


Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.