Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
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Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me