@WheelTod

Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.

One hour later she was dead.

So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.

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@GrantTanaka

showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt

@mommajessiec

Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*

Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?

@Anon_imosity

[walks into bookstore]

Me: do you have any books on turtles?

Worker: Hard back?

Me: Yeah, with little heads.

@Skullcat

My corduroy pillow has been making headlines all week.

@ArfMeasures

[After my death]

WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband

*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*

WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!

@rachelle_mandik

Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”

@hipstermermaid

1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!






2015: Taco Emoji!

@stephenjmolloy

[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”

@kelkulus

Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish

@NotTodayEric

Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.