showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
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Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
[walks into bookstore]
Me: do you have any books on turtles?
Worker: Hard back?
Me: Yeah, with little heads.
My corduroy pillow has been making headlines all week.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
2015: Taco Emoji!
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.