Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”

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*first day as a hoarse-whisperer*

wife: that will teach you for shouting at the kids all the time!


A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.


– You always have to have the last word.
– OK, I’m sorry.
– Spatula.


If we all just agree that we’re fine, we’ll never again have to ask each other how we are.


TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir


PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting


[job interview]

Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …


Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?


I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.

I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?

I decided against all those options and took the ticket.