*first day as a hoarse-whisperer*
wife: that will teach you for shouting at the kids all the time!
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
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A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
– You always have to have the last word.
– THAT IS A LIE!
– OK, I’m sorry.
If we all just agree that we’re fine, we’ll never again have to ask each other how we are.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.