@SamGrittner

Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”

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@Gupton68

*first day as a hoarse-whisperer*

wife: that will teach you for shouting at the kids all the time!

@krishna_van

A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.

@SamuelHLowe

– You always have to have the last word.
– THAT IS A LIE!
– OK, I’m sorry.
– Spatula.

@michaelianblack

If we all just agree that we’re fine, we’ll never again have to ask each other how we are.

@stevevsninjas

TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir

@KalvinMacleod

PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting

@UncleDuke1969

[job interview]

Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …

@BaileysIrishTom

Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?

@hardasamother

I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.

I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?

I decided against all those options and took the ticket.